Here I am again, thinking you wouln’t look
me in the eye if I came to you now
I walked in darkness, even though I knew, even though I knew what I was doing
I stopped and heard your voice, I felt your strength to stop, and still I pursued skin
Skin deep, I’m just skin deep - you woo me into your gardens, into your light
I celebrate this newness, the freshness of spring and promise that I will never
settle for nighttime again – that I will always keep the light on
Yet here I am, stagnate because my ring of moods isn’t green
I don’t feel you, I don’t see you, I can’t hear you, I can’t smell you, taste you, touch you.
I suppose that is the result of sin – that’s the wedge that obedience to flesh creates
When my senses don’t acknowledge you, when nothing points to your existence and your faithfulness or your love – When I think I’ve overused your grace and depleted your resources of mercy, I am still.
I am still and know that You are I am and that the Great I am loves me. I am still and I know that I’m yours. I will trust in You , Lord and your will for my life – I know sin brings consequences – but I know that your love cannot be undone, it never fails, and it never fades from me. Your heart pumps for me.
You do not sit on a swivel chair and spin it away from me, avoiding eye contact, too ashamed or upset by my unholy act to look at me. I fall and you cry out for me, “come back – that way is not safe; it will only hurt you. I love you!” You cry.
My skin gets me high and then I plummet into the bottom of a cave called shame. I am too ashamed to come to you. I run from one master to the Other. I cannot have both. So I sit by myself and wonder, “how many days until I can come into His presence again? How many days until he will like me again?”
I walked in darkness, even though I knew, even though I knew what I was doing
I stopped and heard your voice, I felt your strength to stop, and still I pursued skin
Skin deep, I’m just skin deep - you woo me into your gardens, into your light
I celebrate this newness, the freshness of spring and promise that I will never
settle for nighttime again – that I will always keep the light on
Yet here I am, stagnate because my ring of moods isn’t green
I don’t feel you, I don’t see you, I can’t hear you, I can’t smell you, taste you, touch you.
I suppose that is the result of sin – that’s the wedge that obedience to flesh creates
When my senses don’t acknowledge you, when nothing points to your existence and your faithfulness or your love – When I think I’ve overused your grace and depleted your resources of mercy, I am still.
I am still and know that You are I am and that the Great I am loves me. I am still and I know that I’m yours. I will trust in You , Lord and your will for my life – I know sin brings consequences – but I know that your love cannot be undone, it never fails, and it never fades from me. Your heart pumps for me.
You do not sit on a swivel chair and spin it away from me, avoiding eye contact, too ashamed or upset by my unholy act to look at me. I fall and you cry out for me, “come back – that way is not safe; it will only hurt you. I love you!” You cry.
My skin gets me high and then I plummet into the bottom of a cave called shame. I am too ashamed to come to you. I run from one master to the Other. I cannot have both. So I sit by myself and wonder, “how many days until I can come into His presence again? How many days until he will like me again?”
Instead, I should come running to you, hair
stuck to my wet cheeks, stumbling because I can’t see where I’m running because
tears are so many, laces coming untied – I don’t care- dirt stains on my knees
and elbows, knots in my hair, ratted clothes, tattered heart and tatted body.
And there you are- arms that stretch from the east to the west, tears of peace
and joy knowing that your baby is back, and safe, sad that the lesson was
learned the hard way, but happy that it was learned and that baby is okay and
home again. You bend down, gently pick me up, nestle me in the space between
your shoulder and ear and rock me to sleep. “it’s okay, it’s okay, shh – you’re
home my child. You’re home my precious Daughter. I love you forever. I love you
for always. As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.”
That’s His love – it’s that big.
